Life update

Hi!  Kumusta?  How life has been for you?  I hope it wasn't too bad and if it were, I hope you're being surrounded with the right kind of people, holding you up. 

As for me, I had a very difficult year and looking back at it, I hoped people who I thought I mattered to actually asked me how I was really feeling but I am truly touched by the handful who did.

I spent my New Year's eve crying.  No, I am not sad at all.  I'm just trying to live with the pain of all the loved ones I lost at 2021 starting with my Dad on the 1st week of February then just barely 2 weeks after, one of my dearest friend, Jhauvz passed on and by mid May, my mentor, Daddy Gabby passed too, a day before I turned a year older.  Today just marks one of the firsts of the years I'll have to live without them anymore.  Of course, if God wills I'd get to live many years, that is.

I know that my losses may well be nowhere near than what other people might have lost but to me, they're more than what I could bear.  To this day, I still find myself randomly weeping because I miss them.  I have not even properly grieved their passing.  Then, just when you think I had a rough start of the year, life throws some more into the mix.  I got thrown under the bus, unappreciated, bullied and doubted by the last people I ever thought would hurt me.  Surreal, right?  Just not a good one though.

How I dealt with it can be likened to when you have accidentally fell in a hole and scraped yourself but you immediately got up and walked like nothing happened even when you're visibly bleeding.  Have you ever waited until people aren't watching before you allowed yourself to cry and limp? I felt I did just that. In fact, I still am doing it.  

I admit, I'm too afraid to be vulnerable and fully grieve.  I fear that I might not be able to pull myself back up.  Instead, I chose to cut what's weighing me down to move forward.  I am not too sure that I made the best decision but I know for sure that I gave up the things and people that I can live without like social media, phone (the timing of having a busted unit helped) and etc.  The weight of the grief and burden I carry deafened my ears to the varied unsolicited opinions and lame excuses around me.

Fortunately, I have enough remaining support which enormously helped me not to plunge in grief even in the absence of social media which like many others, has made it a welcome distraction.  Instead, I took care of myself, focused in who and what truly mattered and made sure that I only listened to things that are helpful and uplifting.  I didn't allow myself to be too bothered as well about being undervalued but just when I thought I had enough, life yet again, throws another curve ball — a life threatening health issue, but that's a story for another day.

I super appreciate the friends who took time and effort to really check on me.  I know fully well that others have also had grief and personal issues of their own so I won't take it against friends who forgot about me for I didn't check on them too and I couldn't do so even when I wanted to.  

This 2022, I hope and pray we all get a better year.  If not, I hope and pray that we get to show our appreciation to the good people we're with, family or not.  And if by chance, you have a friend who you think you have not heard of for quite some time, be a friend and do what you can to reach out and check on them.  A simple "Hello!  Kumusta?" just might be the very thing your friend needs.

Also, let me take the opportunity to thank those who dropped messages, asked me how I was.  You all know who you are!  Thank you for the love and utmost concern.  Please know that I really appreciate it.

Even when tomorrow is not promised, may we all look forward and work towards a better year for ourselves so that the things and people who we live for, will have a  better year too.  

This year, I hope to do an even better job in being private.  No, not secret, just more private.   Which means, I will still steer clear from social media.

Lastly, despite of the heartbreaks this year, I could honestly say that I am still very grateful that God has blessed me with good things and even better people that I have had the honor and privilege to meet, work with and for.   

May we all swing 2022 better!